OT: A little something I wrote about Egypt

[Uatch-Khepheru]

Below is a poem I sent in to a contest a few months ago. It recieved the "Editors Choice Award" (still hoping to win the contest...). Anyway, its pretty short and feedback is appreciated, I hope you all like it.




"West Psychosis"

Rising in the east, setting in the west, the cycle of darkness continues.
Holding the symbols of guidance and punishment,
eyes shifting towards figures of primal and human limitations,
the judgment of western ideology begins.

Weighing of heavy heart against blood-stained feather,
the guardian of sacred waters crouches near the caller of oblivion.
The silent rhythm of unbalances scales, the settling of uncertain fate.

Unfinished sketches of human desires,
weightless sin becomes final judgment,
heavy heart becomes final sin.

[Uatch-Khepheru]

btw, for those who are wondering this poem is about the Egyptian afterlife and how the dead were judged. Also, if the poem itself needs a little work, someone please let me know (i.e., coherence, punctuation, etc).

[Miut]

Oh I picked up it was the judgement of the soul very easily. Very nice poem indeed. Nice imagery.
Usually one starts each line with a Capital letter, though, even if it is not a sentence beginning. ;)

[Bradius]

It was engaging and thoughtful on several levels. I would stick with. Good job.

[Eddy]

Interesting. I'm not much for poetry, but I understood your message.

Watch the capitalization and don't assume your audience doesn't know what you are talking about is my advice.